Why do you love me?

I was surrounded by a group of ladies after my talk at "A Date with Leslie", a commemorative event organized by Leslie Legacy Association on the occasion of what would have been Leslie'Cheung's 48th birthday. They craved to hear more about how my path crossed with that of gorgor's at different times. Apart from giving a full account of my interactions with gorgor, they hoped I could clarify misunderstanding some may have about him. "What do you think about the Passion Concert? Some painted a negative image of gorgor because of this concert…". Then came the question: "Have you ever thought about writing a book about him?"

Yes, certainly, only that I am not too sure about it for the time being. If the book is written, what will be the drive behind me: Leslie Cheung himself or the Hong Kong culture? Or will this be a fulfillment of my own wish? All the intertwined thoughts and feelings will be sorted out only when this is done. I believe the complex sentiments towards gorgor has not been smoothed out yet. The name "Leslie Cheung" will remain to many, a wound yet to be healed - whether we feel the "pain" it inflicts or not.

The Mandarin Oriental is en route to my office. Whenever I look at the top floor from the window of the vehicle, time seems to come to a standstill regardless of what hour of the day or night it is. I seem to visualize someone up there, at the top of the building, struggling alone. As though seeing someone agonizing with pain, I can feel the pain myself, too. Here I am, 24 storeys below him on the ground, but I could not have jumped instantly to his side to pull him back. I could do nothing but watch, with my eyes wide open, and be a witness of that moment becoming history.

The pain doubles

For this very reason, I respect the fans for what they do - to look up to the star above which should not have fallen - at the same spot at the Mandarin at least twice a year (once on April 1 and the other on Sept 2)

Personality determines one's fate

For those who stand firmly on the ground and does not have to dangle between life and death, they are probably shaken, sub-conscientiously, by the "courage" of gorgor. The same sky which once served as the backdrop of his fall blinks its eyes at us mockingly, as if it is asking: "Do you dare to take the challenge the way he did?" Although why gorgor took the challenge may remain a riddle forever to many of us, it may not be too difficult to solve: though we are not Leslie Cheung, we may still share the difficulty he faced (except that we cannot share the burden it brought him).

Perhaps this was why the demise of Lady Di and that of gorgor differed even though, in essence, both were tragedies. To a certain extent we could see the factor of "personality determines one's destiny" came into play. But we would not identify with Lady Di the way as with gorgor. From the outset, we did not want to be the princess of Prince Charles. On the contrary, the beloved star living happily ever after with his lover (Mr. Tong) was something everyone would willingly identify with (and would easily relate it to the story of Cinderella having a happy life with the prince). Unfortunately, the leading character in the fairy tale was the one who woke us up with a slap on the face. Just because "he did not want to live happily ever after" (*as we expected), he allowed himself, with the push of destiny from behind, into a sea of flames - to be reborn in the end as a phoenix that lives on forever.

I read a report in a Taiwanese newspaper a while ago in which Lai Sing Cheun gave his views on Tsui Chi Ting who, having emotional problems, leapt to her death. "I won't forgive Leslie Cheung. If it weren't for him, she would not have done that. Being an idol, he should not have set a bad example." Lai's comments were essentially prejudicial and unfounded. However, his views brought me to the core of the issue: for some, the lack of love is not the reason for taking one's own life - one may be very much loved by people around him but still, it is inadequate - he doesn't get the love he wants. Superficially, that can be seen as someone's rejection towards him. The underlying truth is, because of this rejection, he discovers the very own self whom he fails to love.

A question from Narcissus

Throughout the years, gorgor was loved and supported by his fans all over the world. Regardless of its nature, the intensity of love should be adequate, theoretically, to insulate him from feelings of loneliness. Unfortunately, this was not the case: he emaciated, and withered. In April 2003 he was determined to depart. From a different angle, it was a gesture of rejection to those who loved him. After the tragedy, very few would say they "refuse to forgive him" like Lai did. Presumably, no one would want to condemn someone who has difficulty loving himself. What pain can be greater than that experienced by someone who refuses to love himself?

The fans displayed a number of beautiful posters of gorgor at the venue of their gathering. There were pink balloons and message cards which carried various messages of love in pastel colours. The entire place was filled with sighs of love, for a certain kind of love pursued in vain. In this sentiment, I felt as though gorgor, with the same trace of smile I could see in the posters, directed me to the question: "Do you love me? Is it because you need to love me in order to love yourself, or is it that you don't love yourself, that's why you love me?"

Edward　Lam

Special thanks to Corinna for the English translation.